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Murdering Murphy’s Law

I’ve written before about what a load of goatshit Murphy’s Law is. As a theory it’s about as accurate as ‘A watched toaster never pops’ or ‘Don’t look a dragon fly in the eyes or it’ll spit fire at you’ (my brother told me that one when I was about 8).

Whenever something happens and a person says ‘Murphy’s Law…’, they might as well say ‘Skiddledeedee!’ or ‘Kwijibo’. The scientific theory of Murphy’s Law is exactly as proven and conclusive as the scientific theories of Skidledeedee and Kwijibo.

Last night, I had to take my wife’s dad to the hospital in an emergency. What a perfect opportunity to test out whether Murphy’s Law exists. I kept thinking, ‘Man, do we really need the car not to break down now… Please don’t break down’. You know, really testing this asshole Murphy out, just really baiting him and his law.

Taking someone to the hospital in an emergency is when you most need nothing to go wrong. And our car has a recurring problem, meaning at any moment, there’s going to be a ‘kaboom’ under the bonnet.

Not only was everything okay with my father-in-law, but we got there fine, and got back fine.

My wife sometimes brings this up and every time, I can’t help to talk at her with a whole bunch of words and more words about how Murphy’s Law is rubbish. I did it again last night, and turns out she’s been doing it on purpose. And she loves it and smirks the whole time. Apparently, ‘Every couple has their things they say to the other person to purposely piss them off.’

Last night, while waiting, I reminded again to take note that we indeed made it to the hospital no problem. ‘Remember that next time you think of Murphy’s Law’ I said. She laughed and said she’s going to call our son ‘Murphy’. And I said if she does, I’ll murder him. And when people ask, ‘Why is your son murdered?’ she can say ‘Murphy’s law! It was Murphy’s Law that my husband murdered our son Murphy after I told him I would call him Murphy and he said he would murder him!’

I’m going to end this madness once and for all.

I made a deal with her, that next time we need to do something extremely important, and if nothing goes wrong, she can never mention Murphy’s Law again for the rest of our lives. Conversely, if something does fuck up, then she can say it whenever she wants for the rest of our lives and I can’t argue.

She said she doesn’t care that I keep bringing it up how stupid it is, because it’s not that annoying, but that’s okay, because I can be even more annoying on this subject. I’m pretty sure I know how to be the most pretentious, annoying and pompous asshole around when I have to. I will research and identify every single scientist in the world who’s ever said Murphy’s Law is stupid and quote exactly what they said, verbatim, along with when they said it, where it was published, who published it, in what city, whether the publication has been republished since, how many editions there’s been, you name it. I will also try get those scientists in my contacts list, so I can just call them right then and there and put them on speaker phone so she can talk to them about Murphy’s Law.

Just for making people more dumb and annoying when something goes wrong because of nothing more than actual logic, I’d like to do to Murphy what Murphy, aka Robocop, did to this guy. Now that’s Murphy’s Law.