Any good friend of Matt (aka ‘The Sklurpler’) knows that ever since he was a little Albanian girl growing up in a cute, squalid, decimated village in wartorn Kosovo, he’s always had one dream…
Back in those days, when his best friends were dreaming of things like a meal, not stepping on a landmine that day, electricity, being recognized as an independent state or potable water that hadn’t been laced with uranium acquired by Serbia through their alliance with Russia, he was dreaming of something way less boring and way fucking cooler than all of those put together, something cool as SHIT… And to this day, he’s still got the same dream, one that would make him the happiest displaced Kosovan girl in all the lands:
GOING TO A MONSTER TRUCK DEMOLITION DERBY!
And guess what?! Holy shit. The Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby is on at the local arena tonight! I doubt it will, but use the sliders to see if his dream finally does come true!
Is Matt really going to get a ticket to the Monster Truck Demolition Derby and fulfill his childhood dream? No way. Surely not. Use the slider to see just how excited he is about even the possibility of going!
Here’s Matt just chilling in the crib, playing games just like he used to do when he was a little girl back in Kosovo. But rumour has it he’s about to get a big surprise: he’s getting a ticket and going to the 18,392nd Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby tonight! Is that really true??? No fucking way. No fucking way…
WOW!!!!!!! HE IS!!!!!! After the long wait, the 18,392nd Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby is finally here and Matt’s sure as shit already there, front row centre. Before his loving wife and son could even say ‘Kablam, boom smash crash bang ding ding ding dong ding’, he was out the door and on his way to the arena!
He can’t believe it. All he’s ever talked about, without stopping, is going to a Monster Truck Demolition Derby. And now he’s finally here, at the much-anticipated 18,392nd Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby!
But uh oh, hold up…. things have suddenly taken a turn! Matt’s now in church!
And church is cool and all, but right now, ‘Doing church’ is well below ‘Looking at the monster trucks’ on the list of things Matt wants to be doing. He’s gotta get himself out of there!
Shit yeah! He’s done it! Matt’s back at the Demolition Derby! BOOM CRASH BANG BING BONG CLANK!!! Fucking sick, the trucks are all like KAPOW! KABOOM!! and the driver’s are all like “Doo boo doo boo doo” and the hot dog vendors are all like “Heyyyyoooo” and Matt’s all like “FUCKING C’MON!!!” Monster Truck Demolition Derby!!! Fuck yeah!!!
Oh no though, Matt is now on the International Space Station! Whoopsies! How did this happen? And although he’s having quite an okay time, right now, this is not where he wants to be!!!
SHIT FUCKING YEAH!! Matt’s back at the Monster Trucks and it’s the best shit EVER!!!!!!
But hang on a second…. oh no… all of a sudden, he’s back with his old unwashed, displaced friends, in his village in Kosovo, which, sure, is less shitty than it used to be during the war and sure those girls seem nice, but they’re actually total bitches (and the one on the right stole Matt’s husband when he was 9), so, come on man, enough of that shit..
YEAH!!!! Matt’s back at the Monster Truck Demolition Derby!! SHIT! YEAH! SHIT! YEAH! FUCKING SMASHHH!!!! KABOOM!! MONSTER TRUCKSSSSSS!!
Regrettably though, Matt’s day’s come to an end…
But wow… what a day at the 18,392nd Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby. So much banging, so much crashing, so much huge shit slamming into other huge shit! FUCKING SHIT YEAH!
But unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and it’s time for Matt to go to bed. After all the excitement though, he might not be able to sleep a wink!! Night night!
Happy birthday bro! I love ya, man.