Listen up all you go-getting singles, because this is going to be music to your ears! Created specifically for those young singles who are just too busy to not only meet new people, but also too busy to even use a dating app, new dating app Hurry The Fuck Up promises to finally satisfy what singles want most–sex right now with whoever’s up for it and whoever they don’t have to talk to first.
Wow! Now that’s what we call giving the people what they want!
Foregoing all of the tedium, nausea, anxiety and ennui that comes part-and-parcel of traditional courting, not to mention other dating apps, Hurry the Fuck Up enables users to steamroll their way through all the dullness that precedes sexual congress and instead fast-tracks their way directly from the signing-up process to, in a matter of seconds, the performing of unspeakable acts of groin horror to faceless, nameless randoms.
Responding to calls from disgruntled users of other dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble, Hurry The Fuck Up skips the much-criticised swipe and messaging process, instead letting the user immediately be having sex with someone the second they confirm their email address and click the ‘Sign Up’ button on the final account creation page. And how does the user know that they have signed up successfully for the service? Well, we’re glad you ask: there will be someone they’ve never met before and whose face they’ve never even seen–let alone spoken to–ramming away on top of them in a percussive act of crotch terrorism.
Well hot dog, love really is all around!
Contrary to all similar services before it, the app does away with traditional staples of dating apps such as profiles, photos or even messaging between users, and instead only allocates each user a blank page with no visible name or personal information. And once they have officially signed up (and their first sexual rendezvous has concluded), members may either stay logged in, continuing the performance of noisy and frictional Hades-enraging crotch impalement with countless unknowns as long as they please, or alternatively, sign out. And instead of the monotony of the whole tired back-and-forth of text messaging, arranging a place to meet and the subsequent banality of polite pleasantries or in-depth conversation, the instant a Hurry The Fuck Up user logs in, in a flash, he or she is immediately getting wrecked by the genital witchcraft of some sweaty stranger they weren’t required to message, talk to, or even glance at.
Now that’s something to write home about!
Designed for ‘some chick’s and ‘some guy’s everywhere, Hurry The Fuck Up is available in the App Store now (coming soon to Android). Though at the moment it doesn’t charge users, creator Leroy Harley has assured users that a premium service is on its way, and will allow subscribers the opportunity to not even be required to have the app downloaded on their device to be getting smashed from pillar to post by a damp, anonymous stranger in a blistering torrent of emotionless crotch fracking.
Wowee! Who said love in this day and age doesn’t exist?!