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Ladies rejoice: Apple Unveils New Series 4 iBiologicalClock Apple Watch So Women Can Be Constantly Reminded Of Sole Purpose In Life And How Long Until Their Life No Longer Worth Living

All the ladies, put your hands up, because this is going to be music to women’s ears everywhere! Apple has just released their new Apple Watch, the much-anticipated iBiologicalClock which counts down the years, days and even seconds until the female user can officially no longer have children. Wow, ladies! This is not only convenient but also very helpful!

Emitting a loud and ominous ticking sound every second of every remaining day that the woman has left until her sterility renders her life completely devoid of any worth, it enables the woman to know, to the exact second, how long it is till her life is stripped of any meaning or purpose and she becomes completely obsolete to society. Wow! Women should constantly be reminded by their parents, friends, relatives and even strangers that the one and only thing that can ever make them happy is doing the only thing that they’re good for (popping out babies), but this is a gamechanger! Woop woop, girls!

The new iBiologicalClock Apple Watch features relatively non-invasive state-of-the-art bio-analytical hardware and software that measures the release of the eggs from the female user’s ovaries (Apple warns users to read the instruction manual carefully before installation), and calculates, to the second, when it will be too late for her to conceive. Additionally, through an audible and incessant ticking (this feature can not be disabled, and self-adjusts to be heard over even loud traffic or while jackhammering on a construction site), it reminds her every second of every day–day and night–that her biological clock is ticking and exactly how many seconds there are to go until society considers her nothing but a miserable and useless dress-wearing garbage can.

Once the clock expires, the device informs the female user that ‘SORRY, YOUR LIFE NO LONGER HAS ANY MEANING – COMMIT SUICIDE?’, then automatically texts everyone in her contact list notifying them of her newly confirmed inability to procreate, and also emits a deafening and piercing siren, letting everyone within a 500 metre radius know that she is now nothing more than a worthless empty vessel, devoid of any human value and is simply taking up valuable resources, real estate and oxygen that could be better utilised by child-bearing members of society.

Priced at US$499, the iBiologicalClock Apple Watch is a perfect gift for every woman in your life. Whether old, young, elderly or even newborn, it’s never too early or late to strap one of these bad boys to every one of those special women in your life, so that they know what the one and only thing that can bring their life meaning and give them happiness is, and exactly how long it is until that meaning and opportunity for happiness runs out.

Currently, the functionality of the iBiologicalClock Apple Watch does not support the capability to euthanise the female user or assist her in her suicide following her timer’s expiration, however Apple CEO Tim Cook says that the next generation of the device will allow for some rudimentary termination and assisted-suicide capabilities (currently in beta testing), incorporating high-voltage electrocution or injection of snake venom into the woman’s bloodstream at the moment her countdown timer hits 0 years, 0 months, 0 weeks, 0 days, 0 hours and 0 seconds.

Exciting! This latest gadget is going to finally help women everywhere see themselves for what they’re truly worth and give them all a true shot at happiness!