How indifferent are you to spending Christmas with your family? Take the quiz and find out!
Question 1) The thought of buying presents for family members you know next-to-nothing about:
a) fills you with anxiety. (1 point)
b) floods you with dread. (2 points)
c) drenches you with terror. (3 points)
d) saturates you with violent, biblical rage (4 points)
2) When your family welcomes you as you arrive at the front door for Christmas lunch, under your breath you say to yourself:
a) Ugh. What did I ever do to deserve such oppressive tyranny? (1 point)
b) Goddamn it. This is going to be a brutal trip to Hell’s gates and beyond. (2 points)
c) Seriously, fuck this. I wish I was at home with my head inside a bucket of freshly churned butter watching the European Championship of Darts. (3 points)
d) Is it too late for me to be aborted? (4 points)
3) Picture yourself at the Christmas dinner table… When your uncle Lenny asks you ‘So, what are you up to these days?’ you reply:
a) I’m really into acts of cyber terrorism and targeted online bullying right now. (1 point)
b) Blah blah blah, bleeh bleeh bleeh. Okay? We good? (2 points)
c) Where do you get the nerve, uncle Lenny? Huh? Where? The. Nerve. Where do you get it? Are you able to tell me where? (3 points)
d) The Omnipresent and slightly obese one we call God spoke to me in a traffic jam Thursday morning and warned me to avoid any relations with thou, lest both our souls be breathed on with thine mid-morning coffee breath of St Peter. (4 points)
4) When the time comes to unwrap the presents, you:
a) sarcastically exclaim ‘Wow, yay presents, woo.’ Without even glimpsing up from the tasteful, loud porn you’re watching on your phone. (1 point)
b) Run really fast and hard and strong in the direction of your nearest abyss. Then jump into it. (2 points)
c) Whisper “Note to self: this time next year, arrange to have recently been in a fiery blimp accident, rendering spending Christmas with this family not only difficult but also medically inappropriate and irrationally confusing.” into your handheld tape recorder (3 points)
d) Slowly and awkwardly climb atop the dinner table and on one knee proclaim: “You all bear the sweet and spicy blood of Lucifer upon your brows. Repent now and ye shall be spared his gory and uncomfortably damp wrath.” (4 points)
5) Christmas is over and it’s time to go home, so you:
a) roll your eyes throughout the whole tedious goodbye process and sincerely announce to everyone “Bye bye to you all. I’m leaving now. Ensure that you do not follow me.” (1 point)
b) make a point of going up to every family member individually and sincerely telling them “I may never see you again”, then walk away, moving on to the next person. (2 points)
c) brandish the machetes you brought with you, then put on an impromptu last-minute knife show. And for a fitting finale, and while holding two of them in your mouth and attempting to smile, you thank your lovely hosts. (3 points)
d) cheefully depart, sincerely telling your family members what a lovely time you had, then get in your car and drive straight into the swimming pool. (4 points)
How did you go? How indifferent are you to Christmas with your family?
0-5 points: Hmmph. You aren’t that indifferent to Christmas with your family. What is wrong with you? If your auntie asked you “So will we see you at Easter?” You’d probably answer yes, wouldn’t you, you lousy, caring sack of sympathetic shit.
5-10 points: You’re a little bit indifferent to Christmas with your family! Maybe you should think about caring a bit less next time though. Christmas is not a time to be proud of your relatives or happy to see them, but the way you’re going around expressing only mild indifference you’re not far off it.
10-15 points: Well done! You’re really indifferent to Christmas with your family. Wow, the Lord’s Holiest of Holy Lord days with them must goddamn suck for you and you basically would rather be doing anything else other than submitting yourself to their Vietcong-like torture.
15-20 points: Congratulations! You are extremely indifferent to Christmas with your family! When your family invites you to Christmas lunch they actually have to first stop and think whether they actually should. And if you keep it up, who knows, maybe one day the invitations will stop altogether. Great job!