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HEARTWARMING! Some person somewhere just died for some reason and when told the news, people were saddened and couldn’t say enough nice things about this now-dead person, even though they’d never even known this person’s name, gender, or even that this person actually existed in the first place. WOW, TOUCHING!

This story will tug right at your heart strings.

Someone somewhere just died, and despite approximately 99.99999999999999999% of Earth’s population having no knowledge of the existence of this human, people all across the globe have instantly started sharing their insights and stories about what a wonderful, caring and loving person this anonymous and now dead human man or woman was.


The person, some age, and who was one of the two anatomically possible genders (male or female), died yesterday for some reason, and people all over the world are coming out to pay their respects for this unclassified citizen. Though nothing was known about him or her by pretty much anyone, people everywhere are braving the torrent of sadness and showing their hurt, to mourn this him or her and to celebrate his or her life. And not only did they not know this person existed until like two seconds ago when they were told that he or she had died, they also have no idea whether this he or she was in fact a he or she, or whether he or she actually was ‘Kind, caring and just brought joy to everyone in his or her life’ (as other people who don’t know this him or her are saying about this him or her), or whether he or she was actually a complete piece of shit and a total cunt that you wouldn’t even piss on if they were on fire.


And even though we are biologically decaying entities from the moment we are conceived, and by definition of being alive the only thing that is guaranteed we will do is die, this news has come as a complete shock to all currently still alive humans.

Here are a few people just gripped by their anguish over the death of this 62 year old man from Madison, Wisconsin, or 72 year old woman from Nairobi, Kenya, or 17 year old girl from Chisinau, Moldova. Or 44 year old woman from Panama City. Not really sure.