If you happen to come across a hurt or injured animal on the side of the road, or near your house, or just on your twice-weekly midnight wander into the woods to hide your thoughts in a plastic bag from the bad man, the responsible thing to do is to rush it to the closest animal emergency hospital, right? Well it may surprise you that the correct answer to that question is not always a ‘Hells yeah, girlfriend.’
To avoid the disappointment of getting a big fat ‘I’m sorry sir or madam, we can’t help those kinds of animals here,’ this might help you. There are several animals that are okay to rush to the animal emergency hospital if you think there’s something wrong with them, but before you do it, make sure that the animal you intend to desperately seek medical attention for isn’t one of the following… Because if you come across an animal in pain, and you then pick them up, hurl them in the back of your car and gun it not giving a shit about traffic lights or stop signs in search of critical medical attention, be aware, because the following animals won’t get admitted and looked at by the veterinarians at your local animal emergency hospital:
1. A wasp that seems to not be flying that well
Don’t take a wasp that you think is flying a little bit fucked up to your local animal emergency hospital. The veterinarian there will quickly turn you away with a swift ‘Sorry, can’t help you there, ma’am. That is a wasp and we don’t do poorly-flying wasps here’. There may be an emergency wasp clinic somewhere nearby but you would have to check that with your local wasp injury advisory board. Or alternatively, you can call your city’s respective 24-hour wasp emergency injury helpline.
2. This herd of wildebeests
If you see this herd of wildebeests and for some reason you think they need urgent help, so you rush them to your local animal hospital, expect a big shaking of the head, a wagging of the finger and a ‘Uh-uh. Sorry laddy lad boy, that herd of wildebeests is a neddy no-no at this animal emergency hospital’ from the veterinary staff smack-bang at the front door. Your local animal emergency hospital won’t be able to help you with a pack of wildebeests.
3. A blue whale that’s making some weirdass sound you got no fucking idea what it means
If you take in a blue whale that seems a little bit fucked up because of some weirdass sound it’s making that you’ve got no fucking clue why it’s doing it, stop your car and turn around, because it won’t get admitted and looked at by the vet at your local emergency animal hospital.
4. A dead crow that you found on your street corner by the drain
Crows are a super intelligent member of the avian family, but if you try to take a dead one that you just found on your street corner by the drain into your local animal emergency hospital, you sure as shit won’t be a super intelligent member of the humanoid family. Sorry to break this to you, but dead crows that are found dead on your street corner by the drain will not be seen by the staff at your local animal emergency hospital.
5. A chicken with no head that is still twitching
Chickens with no heads are also part of the group of animals that won’t be admitted for examination at your local animal emergency hospital. If the chicken does have a head, complimented by a valid medical complaint however (consider reattaching the head?), that might be acceptable, but otherwise it’s a no.
6. A spider that has no legs for some reason
Imagine: you find a spider that’s had its legs bitten off by some other asshole spider, or was born like that, or lost all its legs in a fight with a bird or some other asshole animal. You’re not really sure what happened, but you are sure of one thing: THIS SPIDER WITHOUT LEGS DESERVES A CHANCE TO LIVE. So you get in your car and rush the spider to your local emergency hospital. After all, that’s what the emergency animal hospital is for, right? They’ll be able to tell you what happened to this necrotic arachnid, right? Wrong. Your local animal emergency hospital won’t be able to tell you. And they definitely won’t take the spider in for surgery, prosthetic leg replacement or even examination. Sorry.
7. A pig which has no sense of smell
A pig that’s been attacked with a chainsaw by a group of 70-year-old women on a hen’s night might get seen by a vet in an emergency if you rush it there, but if you come across a pig that simply has no sense of smell, I wouldn’t be calling all your friends on the way to driving it to the animal emergency hospital and telling them ‘Yeah homeboy, calm down, it’s all cool. I should be able to get this pig looked at, no dramas,’ because a pig with grievous chainsaw wounds might get examined at your local animal emergency hospital, but a pig with mere olfactory problems probably won’t.
8. A lion
This lion, or any other lion will not get seen by the vets at your local emergency hospital if you rush it there in your car. So if you find one that you think needs crucial medical aid, and you’re already on your way to your local animal emergency hospital, forget it, do a u-turn and take it back to the savannah. However, male and female lions weigh about as much as a morbidly obese person, so maybe try taking it to your local regular human hospital. The doctors and emergency staff who usually see people might be able to do you a favour and at least take a quick look at your lion.
9. A semi-dried-up blue bottle jellyfish that you could have probably thrown back in the ocean and it may have had a chance of survival but you panicked and cut your family’s yearly trip to the beach short because you thought rushing it to the animal emergency hospital was the better option and its best shot at continuing to live a normal life
You should probably have just chucked that still-sort-of-alive and partially-hydrated blue bottle you found on the shore during your family’s annual 3-day getaway to the beach back in the ocean. But instead, you thought it would be best for the blue bottle to be rushed to your local animal emergency hospital. That was a mistake, because the blue bottle you tried to save is not going to be admitted by the staff at your local animal emergency hospital. You really fucked up. You could try to create a diversion and then try sneak it past by the staff into the operating theatre, and then when you’re accosted, pull out a handgun from your jacket and threaten that ‘Everyone’s gonna be meat’ if your blue bottle doesn’t get examined right this goddamn second, but that sounds somewhat pointless, as most animal emergency hospitals don’t have the equipment nor the hydrozean-related knowhow on how to treat semi-dried-up blue bottles.
10. Some kind of fucked up, psycho-looking monkey you find that you couldn’t give less of a fuck about its health, but you just think looks just fucking insane and you wouldn’t mind getting it killed because after seeing that shit, it’s probably going to give you nightmares for weeks.
If you find a fucked-up looking monkey that just deserves to be murdered purely for the fact that its terrifying face is going to keep you awake at night for weeks just because you looked at it, don’t bother taking it to your local animal emergency hospital for medical attention (ie. you want it murdered). Your local animal emergency hospital is there to provide critical medical assistance for all animals not on this list you are reading, not to be your personal hitman.
11. A mushroom
If you find a mushroom which has been trampled on, had its stalk broken, you killed because your oblivious dumbass kicked it, or it’s reached the nadir of its life as a result of the cessation of its reproductive cycle following release of all its spores, don’t worry about throwing it in your car and hammering it over to your local animal emergency hospital. The reason is that firstly, a mushroom is not an animal, and secondly, if you do try and convince the vets at your local emergency hospital that it is, and that it needs urgent medical help, they will most likely show you the door. Should this happen to you, with your critically ill mushroom dying in your arms, consider administering CPR on the mushroom.