* Publisher’s note: Following publication, we have realised that Round 2 of the Belarusian Vysheyshaya Liga actually kicked off last night with FC Energetik BGU Minsk’s 1-0 victory over Rhu Brest and Torpedo Zhodino’s 1-0 defeat of Belshyna Babruisk. We are deeply sorry for this error and would like to sincerely apologise to you, valued reader.
Belarus is Europe’s last dictatorship. Hilarious, right?! Well, if you think that’s a hoot, fittingly, it’s also the last remaining active football league in Europe, as President Aleksandr Lukashenko defies orders from the WHO, EU and UEFA to shut it down, claiming that ‘Tractors and working in the fields’ can cure whatever bullshit coronavirus crap you dumbass Westerners are suffering from. Lolz, classic Belarus!
After an action-packed round 1 last weekend, and with round 2 kicking off in just a matter of hours, we’re here, just in time, to answer all your big questions like “Which teams are hot right now?”, “Which teams are not?”, “Which players are flying?”, “Which players are in struggle city?”, “Wait… What’s a Belarus again?”, and “The Belarusian football league?… You’re fucking shitting me, aren’t ya?”
Here are 19 of the greatest moments in the history of the Belarusian Vsheshyava Liga you’ve just got to know about, before another exciting round kicks off tomorrow… Which one was your favourite?? Let us know in the comments below!
1. This is a blue team playing someone else, and boy, you can just tell this ain’t their first rodeo!
3. Whow, who knows what could happen here?!…
4. This was supposed to be an image of an incredible moment from extra time in the classic 1991 Belarusian Cup Quarter-final between FC Smolevichi STI and Dinamo Minsk but instead it’s just an error message because I couldn’t get it to work, so you’ll just have to use your imagination. Just imagine something amazing happening in a football match, with several eastern Europeans (and as few black players as possible, for safety reasons) running around. Picturing it?… Wow! What a crazy goal/save/win, am I right?!
5. These Belarusian fans are either ecstatic or absolutely livid at their team’s performance. Note: In Belarus, the facial expression for both happiness and tragedy is identical, as is the expression for both “Condolences” and “Congratulations” – Both are”выбачай!”(pronounced ‘vy-bu-ch-ay’)
6. Bet you didn’t know this image existed!
7. What. A. Moment.
8. Yikes! Who’ll ever forget this moment in the FC Gomel-FC Nemon Grodno league game, May 21, 2011? A day that’ll forever live in infamy!
9. Let’s be honest here, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel now, but come on, this isn’t bad, is it? It’s a replica of the shirt Bate Borisov wore in the 2014 Europa League. I don’t know, what do you want from me?
10. Technically this is a hat of the Dinamo Minsk ice hockey team, and not of the football team of the same name, but still, you’ve got to agree, it’s not a terrible hat.
11. Although I googled ‘Belarusian football highlights excellent’, I actually think this is like, maybe a flyer for a Belarusian elementary school stage production and has nothing to do with football.
12. Goalllllllllllll or something.
13. Alright, so this isn’t a Belarusian football moment, but fuck me, you fucking try to find 19 interesting images from the Belarusian football league.
14. Here you go – a football pic. Fucking happy now?
15. These fans sure know which way to look when sports is being done!
16. This was probably a pretty good football video game.
17. Whow. Intense.
18. Here’s Fabio Cannavaro after winning the 2006 World Cup with Italy.
19. Whoopsie. Someone call 9-1-1.