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WOW, FINALLY: US Supreme Court To Permanently Replace All Human Jurors with Dogs and Children

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Finally! This is something we’ve wanted for ages!

Succumbing to public pressure and commonly-held beliefs that dogs and kids are the ultimate judges of human character, the US Supreme Court has finally replaced its conventional jury panel of 12 jurors with a mix of children and canines. Dogs and children, which are well known to exhibit instinctive judgement of character well beyond the realm of humans over the age of 18, who have actually experienced what it means to have human drives, motivations and desires, and what it means to live in a human adult world, are due to replace the current panel of Supreme Court adult jurors in the next few months.

Wow! It’s about time!

Having an immaculate understanding of not only federal law, but also legal precedent, its implications, human psychology (and all that it involves), as well as morals and ethics, dogs and kids said today they are thrilled at US Congress instating them as the United States’ sole jurors going forward. Responding perfectly to reason every time, dogs and kids will be installed as permanent jurors in the US Supreme Court starting August 2019.

Finally! What took you so long, US Congress?!

Everyone knows that a person is a terrible and dangerous threat if a dog starts barking or a kid starts crying when they gaze upon them. So this decision by US Congress comes as a long overdue confirmation of kids and dogs’ comprehensive knowledge of what it means to be an adult human living in the adult world. When a dog barks at a person, or a child cries in their presence, you just know that person sucks and is at best a terrorist, or at worst Hitler.

Well done, US Congress! We all know dogs and kids are the greatest judges of character in not only war zones, but everywhere. And by greatest, we mean that they react to something going on in their brain! Wow! Neurology FTW! We must assume that whatever they’re reacting to negatively is actually something to worry about, right? Of course. Dogs and kids know everything about what it’s like to be an adult human in a human adult world.

Kudos, US Congress and Supreme Court!