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I don’t have any kids but would you mind if I showed you a few photos of the 37 piranhas and over 400 crows I own instead?

I am childless, so I don’t have any adorable pictures of my kids to share with you. But I do own other things, including 37 Amazonian red-bellied piranhas and over 400 carrion crows, so is it cool if I show you a few pictures of them? Thanks so much, you’re a true friend. Let me know what you think!

Here’s one of my thirty seven piranhas. Her name’s Prickly Sally the Third (The original Prickly Sally, along with Prickly Sally the Second, Fourth and Sixth are in other photos below*). Do you think she’s cute, like, in any way? Look if you don’t, cool if you just pretend, for my sake? Thanks.

* Prickly Sally the Fifth passed away when I dropped her from the Eiffel Tower (accident).

This is a photo of about two thirds of the crows I own that I took 73 months ago. They love to fly around being noisy idiots like this after I feed them their hourly serving of garbage. Does this make you gush at all, or kind of want to own a lot of crows too (even just a bit)?

Someone wants to give you a big sloppy kiss! Mwah! (Thanks for sticking around while I show you pictures and talk about my shitload of piranhas and crows. I don’t usually get to.)

Good morning Sunshine! This is Klernly. She actually sits like this on my bedhead every night, shrilly cawing, ceaselessly, from the moment I go to bed until the second I wake up the following morning. It’s adorable–daddy’s little princess just wants attention!

Naw, someone wants to say hello to you! (by the way, thanks so much for doing this. )

Oh boy… *rolls eyes*, here’s one of my cheeky little bubbas having sex with another one of my bubbas (which is already dead here). Ugh, so embarrassing. Even though it’s normal for our babies to do stuff like this, as parents sometimes we can’t help but shake our head at the shenanigans they get up to, can we? Oh dear, necrophilia or not, it’s times like these we can’t forget that, once upon a time, we were young too!

Oh boy, you’re going to laugh at this whoopsie! You remember my wife Sharzlene, right? Well, because I was away at the time getting arrested for tax fraud,  I asked her to feed my fuckton of piranhas. And oh no, look what she did! Oops! Mummy brain much?

This cunt I fucking hate. “Gavin”. Fucking Gavin. Fuck you Gavin, you airborne piece of shit. Us parents shouldn’t pick favourites but this airborne squawking Hitler cuntbird is the exact opposite of my favourite. I hope you die in a terrorist attack in a Tel Aviv nightclub, Gavin you feathered asshole. Every time you craw I wanna smash your beak into a thousand tiny pieces with a brick, incinerate the rest of your body in a volcano and then throw the pieces of your smashed beak into the ocean.

Tsk, naw… who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you, Gavin! Us parents just have too much love for our babies! (Once again, thanks for sticking around so I can talk about my dozens of piranhas and hundreds of crows.)

Peekaboo, I see you! (Cheers for letting me share pictures of the monstrous amount of piranhas and crows I own. It’s just a parent thing, hey?  People who aren’t parents like us just don’t get it.)

Playyyyytimeeeee! Here are a few of my babies doing what they do best–making noise, doing some stupid bullshit that makes no sense at all and just being super fucking annoying for no other reason than to piss me off. Cute, right? They get cranky when I don’t feed them, and here they are wanting even more shit to eat when I had just poured out the trashcan on the ground the way they like it, for like the hundredth time that day, just to try to get them to shut the fuck up. Parenting, am I right?

Wow, where’d the time go?! Look at me blabbin’ on and on about my bubbas… You’ve probably had enough!

It’s such a cliché, but when they say you can never be completely ready to be a parent, they’re actually right! You’re just never fully ready to have dozens of piranhas and hundreds of crows all living in your bedroom. But still, the joy they bring is so worth it!

Thanks for letting me share!