FORT WORTH, TX–After a recent series of marital misdemeanours by her husband, local woman Sonia Mueller, 37, is punishing her husband, Mark Mueller, 39, by withholding divorce from him.
Sonia’s holdout first began 6 weeks ago when Mark chose to watch the Cowboys-Redskins game at Buffalo Wild Wings instead of joining her and her mother for lunch on the one day she was in town from El Paso, was exacerbated by the night he went out drinking with the guys from Wednesday night basketball and missed their oldest daughter’s ballet recital, and was ultimately only made worse by the fact that his emotional unavailability has lead to her crippling dissatisfaction and occasional regret over having kids way too early with the wrong man. Peppered throughout this period have also been a number of insensitive comments and sly remarks by her husband, which have lead Sonia to passively aggressively dig her heels in and spurn every one of her husband’s advances to have a divorce.
What started off as polite deflections of every one of Mark’s attempts to get her to give him a little sum’n sum’n and divorce him, have become stern, outright “No”s, with Sonia batting away every one of her insistent husband’s overtures for divorce and denying him even a thought of divorce every time he romantically whispers to her “Come on, just one time…”.
While Mark had almost given up all hope and resigned himself to living in a divorce-less marriage, his hopes of an end to the divorce embargo were spiked yesterday when he surprised Sonia and took her out to her favourite Japanese restaurant downtown. After 45 minutes of feigning interest in his wife’s stories about her sister’s financial troubles and his wife’s ongoing problems with her coworkers, Mark finally summoned the courage and addressed the one thing he’s been fantasising about doing with his wife throughout this last frigid period–dissolving their marital union. However, upon inquiring “So do you think today could be the day that we… you know… get divorced?”, Sonia promptly shut him down and changed the subject, telling him “I’m tired” and “I’d love to, but I’m just not in the mood today.”
Speaking about his wife’s stone-cold reluctance to give him what he truly desires, he said “A man’s got to get his… and if I can’t be in a healthy relationship where I can’t even get the divorce I want, no, I need, then what the hell am I in this for? I’ve even resorted to secretly going online and Googling images of divorce documents, watching videos of divorce hearings on Youtube and reruns of Girlfriends’ Guide To Divorce and Divorce on Netflix.”
At press time, Mark had not given up hope, and had begun making plans to take Sonia away on an intimate weekend getaway to San Antonio, where he aims to restate his love for his wife in a romantic, wine-fuelled setting and try one more time. Speaking about his hopes for the trip, he said “Who knows, maybe we’ll have a nice dinner one night I can get her drunk and in enough of a good mood that she finally gives in and gives me the divorce I’ve been fantasising about in my dreams for so long.”