SAN DIEGO, CA–Concluding their study into your life from the day you were born, behavioural scientists from San Diego State University have confirmed your belief that not only are you weird, but in fact you are the only weird person in the world. The researchers found that out of Earth’s 7 billion citizens, you are the one and only person who has weird thoughts and feelings, thoughts and feelings that for every other person on the planet don’t even close to how messed up yours are.
Concluding that 100% of the world’s unusual, bizarre and occasionally troubling thoughts, beliefs and impressions are completely restricted to your fucked up mind, scientists found that not one single human on the planet apart from you: has feelings of jealousy when their friends succeed; purposely attempts to surreptitiously make their friends jealous; manipulates others for personal gain; has wondered what it would be like to have sex with their platonic friends; worries too much about money; worries too little about money; feels terrifyingly alone sometimes, even when they’re with their friends or partner; has fleeting thoughts that they don’t love their own child; can’t stand and can’t connect in any way to their family; has considered killing themselves; has, at some point, been bi-curious and thought of acting upon it; pictured–perhaps with a sense of overwhelming relief or even euphoria– what it would be like if their partner suddenly died; been scared of dying alone; is terrified of going bald, becoming fat or looking old or ugly; is afraid of dying alone in a hospital bed regretting the major decisions they made throughout their life; is capable of thinking they’re the only smart person in the world and seconds later thinking they’re the dumbest; watches porn, and masturbates to it; been mortified by the notion they’ve made a horrible mistake to settle for the partner they’re with, or regretted and wondered what it’d be like if they were still with their ex.
Wow, that’s you! Geez, are you one fucked up, scrambled upstairs mix-up of a person! Not like the rest of us at all!
In their study, SDSU researchers confirmed that only you do those fucked up things and have those fucked up thoughts. Maybe consider comprehensively re-examining who you are as a human, because yep, even science can now confirm that you’re fucked up. The rest of us? We’re fine, we’re actually normal!