Relationships are hard work, and sometimes you need to be equal part Don Juan, equal part Aphrodite, equal part Robert Downey Jr. in that period of his career from 1995-1999 and another part Chief Detective of the Police Force who, instead of investigating horrific violent crimes or drug production rings, only investigates whether someone is having sex with them right at this exact second.
And it can be an anxious rollercoaster ride through Love Heaven and Hell if you see the breadcrumbs scattered all the place but just can’t tell for sure if your partner is having sex with you right at this very moment.
It can truly suck not knowing the truth, but as much as the truth can hurt, it’s better to just know. So to help you piece the clues together and finally know once and for all, here are 5 foolproof ways to tell if your partner is currently having sex with you:
1. Every time you ask them why they’ve been working late recently, they always change the subject back to the topic of the sex they are having with you right now.
This is a strong sign that your partner is currently having sex with you. If they can’t answer a simple question relating to their post-work shenanigans while they are currently gyrating on top of you, this may be a glaringly obvious sign that they are having sex with you right now.
2. Their schedule suddenly changes because they are having sex with you at this very moment.
One minute they have no plans, the next they’re all of a sudden busy for some reason. This is the point you have to confront them about it. Their answer may be vague and ambiguous but don’t let this fool you –the reason could be that they are currently having sex with you.
3. When you ask them who they’re texting, they don’t answer, or refuse to answer because sex is occurring in the vicinity and it involves you and them and it’s happening right now.
If your partner can’t answer a simple question like ‘Who do you keep texting?’ because they are currently riding like you a wild space cowboy, you have to wonder whether they are having sex with you right this second. The answer, unfortunately, may be yes.
4. Your partner keeps to themselves and isn’t willing to have a long meaningful conversation any time you suggest to, due to the fact you are in Sexville USA right now and the population is: you and them.
Does this sound familiar? You try to have a honest and sincere conversation with your partner about anything from how they feel, what they’ve been doing lately or how their uncle Gary feels since his messy divorce has forced him to move into the barn in your backyard and your partner doesn’t want a bar of it. Check, because this could be watertight evidence that right at this moment in time you and them are having sex.
5. You’ve noticed that all of a sudden they look different to how they usually do ( when you and your partner aren’t a 2-person bomb squad and they’re not dismantling a sexbomb with you).
Picture this: you observe your partner as they are pumping away at you or you’re as deep inside them as Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom… have you noticed that they look really different from the person you know when they’re not riding the lofty heights of sexual utopia with you (‘Sextopia’? that’s trademark me.)? If you’ve noticed your partner looks completely different from their usual self (telltale signs are: ruffled or dishevelled hair, smudged make-up or profuse sweating where there previously was none etc.), this may be a sign that you and them are currently on the one-way steamtrain to Sexytown.