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8 Things to Stick Into A Woodchipper This Weekend

Well, you made it! Even though the COVID-19 pandemic means there’s barely anything to do, it’s finally the weekend! And you know what that means… time to let your hair down, loosen your belt, put on a clean pair of underwear and stick things into a woodchipper!

Here’s our top-7 things to put in a woodchipper this weekend:

1. A chair

Chairs are good for sitting but it’s the weekend and this ain’t no time to be sitting on your can. Time to get up off your caboose, put on your dancing shoes and then take the thing you were just sitting on and toss it into a woodchipper.

2. Your lifetime of correspondence

No point in living in the past, and what better way to kiss the past goodbye than plopping it into the jagged, bladed mouth of a 1000-horsepower mechanical killer.

3. The washing

Ugh, laundry is such a drag, but at the end of the day, it’s got to be done. So stop procrastinating, grab the hamper and take care of it by inserting it into a indiscriminate beast powered by a twin cylinder internal combustion engine.

4. A musical instrument

Your dusty electronic keyboard, the guitar you sometimes pluck at, or even the harp that you’ve been getting quite good at recently are perfect candidates for things to be jammed into a woodchipper this weekend! Soon enough, you’ll be singing Music sounds Better With You to the woodchipper.

5. Your relationship

There aren’t many things better in this world than whiling the weekend away with your bae in  your PJs, snuggling up and chucking your relationship into the hopper of a unemotional godzilla that destroys everything in an instant. #Couplegoals!

6. Basketballs

Most professional basketballers have round-the-clock access to their own climate controlled indoor courts, but just because you’re not on the roster of a NBA franchise doesn’t mean you have to be left on the bench. So grab basketballs, post up like Patrick Ewing in the 1993-94 NBA Conference finals vs Indiana Pacers and hookshot a shit ton of basketballs into a woodchipper this weekend. Ewing…for the winnnnnnnn….

8. Be creative!

A woodchipper can basically fuck anything up mad time, so there’s no limit to what to shove in yours this weekend! So flick the switch, make sure the teeth of the flywheel aren’t shredded from lack of scheduled service, check the rollers are fully functional and let your imagination go to town!

Have fun!