When you’re pregnant, sometimes it feels as if everyone’s got an opinion on it. And although an expectant mother’s impending newborn is as much hers as it is the father’s or yours or even any marsh mosquito’s that exists or has ever existed on Earth for that matter due to every living being’s evolution of genetic lineage from the same original single cell organism, it may be best to exercise some judgement, prudence and caution when commenting on the wonder of her imminent abdominal and uterine explosion.
So to avoid reproach from the ghastly, swamp-dwelling human-regurgitating beast which lies before you, here are 22 things you should never say to a pregnant woman:
1) Wait, you’re Pregnant? Oh my god, Congrats! Who’s the mother?
2) Wow, you look like you’re about to explode!
3) Wow, you look like you’re about to implode!
4) Wow, you look like you’re about to shatter into 350 jagged pieces of foul-smelling glass!
5) Is it mine? Is it yours? Is it anyone’s?
6) Has it been cursed by Oizys, the god of Misery, Anxiety, Grief and Depression? For the love of God, Mary and little baby Joseph, please tell me yes.
7) OMG, you look so different pregnant… Like a rabid, vile banshee on a rampage for soiled dish cloths dipped in the ichor of Thanatos.
8) Was it an accident? Were you an accident?
9) You know that having babies is a sin, right? That’s okay, God doesn’t judge, he simply destroys heathen sluts like you, sending you back to the demonic tar pit of filth from whence thee came.
10) Umm, should you be drinking hydrofluoric acid when you’re pregnant? You know it instantly blows out an Indian Ocean-sized hole in your stomach and it’s also bad for the baby right?
11) Whow. The fuck is that on your body? Are you a person?
12) What is a ‘pregnant’?
13) Wow! Are there 64 of them in there? Because you’re fat as shit.
14) OMG. Are you sure you’re pregnant? You look so tiny I could step on you, which I’d like to do. Can I? Lie down so I can step on you. Then we’ll do swapsies and you can do it to me. Ready? Okay, go!
15) What do you think it’ll be? Boy? Girl? Black bear?
16) Sleep now, because soon you will be asleep all the time. Once the baby is born, your hibernation period will begin, which typically lasts anywhere from 895 years to 895 years and 2 weeks.
17) Are you sure you want to bring a child into this horrible world full of Koreans, traditional Korean fan dances and Korean-run local bus services in Hawaii?
18) Oh my god, I’m soooo jealous. Can I kill you?
19) Damn, girl… You’re glowing. Like Chernobyl, during all the face-melting and brain-dissolving mischief.
20) Is it true that pregnant women have the strength of two racoons tied together with the hair of Judas?
21) That’s gotta be IVF right?… Because who on God’s scorched and tasty earth would tap that?
22) Wowee… Can I touch?? Please can I touch your elbow? Specifically your ulnar lateral ligament?