Whypothetical: What If? The Greatest 90’s NBA Stars To Never Win a Stanley Cup

The 90s were packed full of NBA greats that, had they played in any other era (and a pesky fellow by the name of Michael “The Chicago Mailman” Jordan hadn’t been around), would’ve had a trophy cabinet full of NHL championships. But alas, that wasn’t the case. Here are the top 5 NBA stars from the 90s to never win the Stanley Cup.


1. Charles Barkley

Here’s Phoenix Suns’ Charles Barkley celebrating and overwhelmed with joy after a triple-overtime win in Game 3 of the 1992/93 NBA Finals against the Chicago Bulls. However, celebrating on center ice with the Stanley Cup hoisted over his head is something he wasn’t fortunate enough to do even once.

 2. Patrick Ewing

New York’s Patrick Ewing was involved in some of the most intense Eastern conference contests ever seen, coming out on top several times. However, he disappointingly never came out on top even once in a contest for the most prized trophy in all of international hockey – The Stanley Cup.

3. Reggie Miller

Basketball fans will never forget how Reggie terrorised the New York Knicks deep in the playoffs in the 90s. Hockey fans will never forget how he was never able to win Lord Stanley’s cup, let alone even score a point in any NHL Final game.

5. Allen Iverson

Known as ‘The Answer’, if you ask Allen Iverson how many times he won the Stanley Cup, the answer he will give you is unfortunately “0”.

5. Karl Malone (& John Stockton)

Arguably the greatest big man-little man pairing in NBA history, it’s not arguable how many Stanley Cups both of them won. Sadly, none.

7. The 1995/96 Seattle Supersonics

The Supersonics won 64 regular season games in 1995/96, pushing Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls in the NBA Finals. Unfortunately, they won 0 zero games in any NHL Final in the 90s, therefore, in one of sports history’s greatest missed opportunities, they won 0 Stanley Cups.


So there you have it… These greats dominated the NBA in the 90s, but history will tell us they never even once got their hands on the trophy given to the best team in the National Hockey League. It makes you wonder…  would they be good enough to win a Stanley Cup today?

Instead Of Turning Her Into A Pillar Of Salt, How Else Had God Considered Punishing Lot’s Wife For Looking Back At Sodom?

Having fled Sodom less than 8.2 seconds before God smoked that wicked, rancid shithole to the ground, Lot, his two daughters and his wife legged it across the desert like a cadre of fast, emotionally unstable people towards Comic Con on opening day. But unable to resist, Lot’s wife couldn’t help her dumb ass and just had to turn around and take one last look at her fucked up, wet garbage swamp of a town, even after the Large Hairy Ornery One Up Above specifically warned her not to. So, yep, God furiously shook His head at her like He was having an extremely mild epileptic fit and turned her idiot body and stupid brain into a pillar of salt. But before He did that, there was a moment where He briefly ummed and aahed about how exactly to penalise her for sending Him a big fuck you with her peek back at the piece of shit pile of rubble she had only moments earlier been festering in.

Here are the other punishments for Lot’s wife that God chose not to go with:


1. Lock her inside a basketball gym with 10,000 banana peels on the floor while the Benny Hill theme song played on repeat over the P.A.

2. Put a bowling ball down her top, making her look pregnant, and then get a group of mean, crazy-sexually-active 8-year-olds to stand around her in a circle, point at her and chant ‘Pregnant women are stupid women! Pregnant women are stupid women!’ for all of eternity.

3. Force her to sit and watch her favourite instalment of the Fast and Furious franchise (Fast & Furious 6) on her computer, but throughout the whole movie the mouse cursor sits there, just off centre of the screen. And at one point it seriously looks like it’s inside Ludacris’ left nostril for like a whole 5 minutes, it feels like. 


4. Make her allergic to everything that exists everywhere and designate that every time she sneezes, a pelican somewhere dies. This would have been especially poignant for Lot’s wife as pelicans had recently become her favourite animal after her trip to the zoo only two weeks earlier. 


5. Turn her into a pillar of sticky, melted chocolate. And standing out in the desert between Sodom and Zoar, with the radiating heat of the now decimated, gross rubbish furnace that was her previous dwelling, it would have only made her stickier and stickier. Yuck.

6. Engorge her kneecaps to the point that they are as large as baseball stadiums. 

7. Give her a streak of purple in her hair, which is morally acceptable and lawful today, but at the time legally required anyone around who noticed it to walk up behind and smash the person once in their lower back with a cricket bat.