Oooh, 6 Superbowls, 4 Superbowl MVPs… Big Fucking Deal. It took travelling over 400 kilometres in Spain, to 3 cities across both Catalunya and Tarragona for me to get my Spanish Foreigner ID number. And where’s yours, Tom? Yeah, just what I thought – Fucking nowhere. I win.
Having fled Sodom less than 8.2 seconds before God smoked that wicked, rancid shithole to the ground, Lot, his two daughters and his wife legged it across the desert like a cadre of fast, emotionally unstable people towards Comic Con on opening day. But unable to resist, Lot’s wife couldn’t help her dumb ass and just had to turn around and take one last look at her fucked up, wet garbage swamp of a town, even after the Large Hairy Ornery One Up Above specifically warned her not to. So, yep, God furiously shook His head at her like He was having an extremely mild epileptic fit and turned her idiot body and stupid brain into a pillar of salt. But before He did that, there was a moment where He briefly ummed and aahed about how exactly to penalise her for sending Him a big fuck you with her peek back at the piece of shit pile of rubble she had only moments earlier been festering in.
Here are the other punishments for Lot’s wife that God chose not to go with:
1. Lock her inside a basketball gym with 10,000 banana peels on the floor while the Benny Hill theme song played on repeat over the P.A.
2. Put a bowling ball down her top, making her look pregnant, and then get a group of mean, crazy-sexually-active 8-year-olds to stand around her in a circle, point at her and chant ‘Pregnant women are stupid women! Pregnant women are stupid women!’ for all of eternity.
3. Force her to sit and watch her favourite instalment of the Fast and Furious franchise (Fast & Furious 6) on her computer, but throughout the whole movie the mouse cursor sits there, just off centre of the screen. And at one point it seriously looks like it’s inside Ludacris’ left nostril for like a whole 5 minutes, it feels like.
4. Make her allergic to everything that exists everywhere and designate that every time she sneezes, a pelican somewhere dies. This would have been especially poignant for Lot’s wife as pelicans had recently become her favourite animal after her trip to the zoo only two weeks earlier.
5. Turn her into a pillar of sticky, melted chocolate. And standing out in the desert between Sodom and Zoar, with the radiating heat of the now decimated, gross rubbish furnace that was her previous dwelling, it would have only made her stickier and stickier. Yuck.
6. Engorge her kneecaps to the point that they are as large as baseball stadiums.
7. Give her a streak of purple in her hair, which is morally acceptable and lawful today, but at the time legally required anyone around who noticed it to walk up behind and smash the person once in their lower back with a cricket bat.