NEWS ALERT!! IT’S OFFICIAL: There’s Officially Nowhere on Planet Earth Left Where You Can Walk Outdoors. The Only Area Left on Earth Available for You to Walk In? A 2m x 2m Patch In Your Living Room.

Planet Earth has officially run out of any public space bigger than 2m x 2m where you can actually walk. But luckily, this device, which scientists are at the moment referring to as a ‘treadmill’, will solve that problem.

Despite planet Earth no longer having a single outdoor area where you can take even two steps forwards or backwards, free from people or obstructions, the treadmill allows a person to walk on the spot for as long as they want. Why go outside in the actual world to walk when you can do it on the same single spot looking at the wall in front of you or some television show you don’t even realise you’re actually watching because you’re spaced out due to walking on the same god damn spot for shit knows who long?

Henry David Thoreau says: