Local Man Se Dice: “Yo Hablo El Español Perfectamente. Vale, Venga, Proxima Idioma Porfa. Ahora Estoy Listo Que Aprender Catalá.”

BARCELONA, SPAIN– Having mastered the official language of Spain, local man Dave Martin’s Spanish is so fucking incredible already after living in Spain for only 3 months that he’s saying “Okay, next please” and is moving on to the next language: Catalan.

Speaking after having mastered all grammar forms, the use of all Spanish vocabulary in all contexts as well as being able to speak as fluently (if not even more fluently) as a native speaker, he said, “Mi castilliano (la idioma de España se llama asi, no?) es marvellosa, y ya he obtenado mi NIE, numero seguridad social, un carnet socis con FC Barcelona, y yo tambien he cambiado en el supermercado un coctelera de pimienta negro sin un recibo, y asi, por eso, ¿por que todavia yo tengo que aprender esta idioma de puta madre?  Venga. La proxima idioma, por favor. Castellà? Vete lo. A la mierda todo. Català? Vale, venga.”

At press time, after doing half of page 1 of Beginner Catalan language text book and then translating a song by Manel into English, Martin’s Catalan abilities are already fucking unbelievable and he’s already speaking like he’s Gerard motherfucking Pique.