NEWS ALERT! Great White Shark That Murdered Man In Australia’s Whitsundays On Monday Hoping To Have Charge Reduced To Manslaughter In Queensland’s Supreme Court.

The shark which purposely killed a man in Queensland’s Whitsunday Islands earlier this week is desperately attempting to have his charge of first-degree murder thrown out of the supreme court and reduced to the lesser charge of manslaughter. The shark, which everyone can agree had it in for the man …

HEARTWARMING! Some person somewhere just died for some reason and when told the news, people were saddened and couldn’t say enough nice things about this now-dead person, even though they’d never even known this person’s name, gender, or even that this person actually existed in the first place. WOW, TOUCHING!

This story will tug right at your heart strings. Someone somewhere just died, and despite approximately 99.99999999999999999% of Earth’s population having no knowledge of the existence of this human, people all across the globe have instantly started sharing their insights and stories about what a wonderful, caring and loving person …

NEWS ALERT: IT’S OFFICIAL!! – I don’t have Facebook or anything but I wanted to let everybody who reads this know that I CONTINUE TO BE ALIVE! Now do the same for everyone you know too, every few hours!!

I will repost this several times a day, for as long as that continues to be the case! You should post it the same amount too! Okay, bye for now friends! Sidenote: I actually am reading Anna Karenina at the moment too. I that doesn’t call for a hot dog, I …

NEWS ALERT!! IT’S OFFICIAL: There’s Officially Nowhere on Planet Earth Left Where You Can Walk Outdoors. The Only Area Left on Earth Available for You to Walk In? A 2m x 2m Patch In Your Living Room.

Planet Earth has officially run out of any public space bigger than 2m x 2m where you can actually walk. But luckily, this device, which scientists are at the moment referring to as a ‘treadmill’, will solve that problem. Despite planet Earth no longer having a single outdoor area where …

NEWS ALERT: IT’S OFFICIAL!! The Weather Finally Snaps, Guns Down 35 (Killing 21) in Local Shopping Centre, After Being Called ‘Shit’ One Too Many Times

In today’s news, local natural phenomenon The Weather, 4.5 billion, has wandered into a local shopping centre with an AK-47 and mowed down 35 men, women and children in cold blood. It is believed that the motive for the seemingly unprovoked attack is that The Weather had enough of people …