Disgruntled Local Wife Punishes Husband By Withholding Divorce

FORT WORTH, TX–After a recent series of marital misdemeanours by her husband, local woman Sonia Mueller, 37, is punishing her husband, Mark Mueller, 39, by withholding divorce from him. Sonia’s holdout first began 6 weeks ago when Mark chose to watch the Cowboys-Redskins game at Buffalo Wild Wings instead of joining her and her …

Ladies rejoice: Apple Unveils New Series 4 iBiologicalClock Apple Watch So Women Can Be Constantly Reminded Of Sole Purpose In Life And How Long Until Their Life No Longer Worth Living

All the ladies, put your hands up, because this is going to be music to women’s ears everywhere! Apple has just released their new Apple Watch, the much-anticipated iBiologicalClock which counts down the years, days and even seconds until the female user can officially no longer have children. Wow, ladies! This is …

Lesson Learned: God Announces He Made Jesus Good Down Low In The Post But Bad At Free Throws To Teach Us The Folly Of Assuming That Just Because You’re A Beast In The Block Doesn’t Necessarily Mean You Can Always Finish The And-1

ZION, THE PROMISED LAND–Responding to inquiries as to why He purposely made Jesus bad at shooting free throws, God Almighty said Monday that the reason he made His Blessed Son garbage from the line was to teach Humanity the curse of believing that just because you happen to be a machine …

Study: After initial reports that ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK ME FUCK ON PISS AND SHIT ON DICK GOD FUCKING DAMN IT’ Scientists Can Now Confirm ‘FUCKING COME ON YOU MOTHERFUCKER FUCKING YES!!!!’

SUNSHINE COAST, AUSTRALIA– In a study published this morning in the Australia Journal of Science, scientists’ initial findings that ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK ME FUCK ON PISS AND SHIT ON DICK’ were unfounded. Area man Dave Martin had been preparing his application for his dream job with American news source The …

An Open Letter From Albert Camus To Freddie Mercury: “Thanks For Making A Musical Version Of The Outsider With Bohemian Rhapsody, But Dude, Have You Actually Even Read It? Because You Totally Screwed Up Its Timeline.”

By Albert Camus Hey Freddie Mercury, You know what, fuck you. Bohemian Rhapsody is fucking cool and all, but your attempt at making a musical version of my book The Outsider is not bad and all, but man, you fucked up the timeline. Seriously dude…: Mama, just killed a man Put a …