Amid Claims by Local Historical Revisionists that Shakespeare, Leonardo Da Vinci and Christopher Columbus Were In Fact From Catalonia, Who or What Else Was Actually Catalan?

Since its founding just over ten years ago, Catalonian separatist historical revisionist foundation New History Institute (INH) has not pulled any punches in its attempts to challenge some of history’s most well-established facts. Among many of its claims, it asserts that not only were Miguel De Cervantes and William Shakespeare the same person, but that most notably, he was Catalan. Additionally, they posit that Leonardo da Vinci was from Catalonia too. Ditto Columbus. Unfortunately though, according to the organisation, all records proving these facts have been destroyed, in what they assert has been an attempt by Spain to whitewash Catalan history.

Though critics believe that INH’s claims are a desperate pseudo-historical attempt to legitimise a culture based on not much more than rubbing halves of tomatoes cut side down on bread, and give credence to a language whose origins most likely stem from a Frenchman, Italian and a disgruntled Spaniard getting shit hammered around the fire one night and inventing their own idiom just to understand each other, what can not be argued is that this debate leaves us with two burning questions: 1: “Who or what else was really Catalan?” and 2: “Who actually fucking gives a shit?”, to which the answers would be “Let’s find out!” and “Like, over a handful of people.”

So, come with us as we do find out… who or what else was actually Catalan?

1. God

That’s right, The Almighty, Our Lord and Saviour, “The Loud, Angry Dishevelled One”–God– was, and remains, Catalan.

2. The Moon Landing

Man landing on the moon in 1969 was Catalan. Mmm-hmmm, yep, this was totally a Catalan thing.

3. Notorious BIG

You got it, son. Biggie sure wasn’t no Brooklyn rat. Homeboy was actually kickin’ it straight outta Catalunya.

4. The 1934 Tsunami in Storfjorden, Norway

Another completely Catalan thing was the 1934 landslide opposite Stranda, Norway that triggered a tsunami of up to 100m and killed 17 people.

5. Catalonia

The fact that Catalonia is Catalan has been vehemently defended and consequently confirmed. Thereby, this adds further weight to other claims made both here and those put forth by INH. Visca!

6. The 1987 Nissan Skyline (Automatic transmission)

While the 1987 Nissan Skyline was most famous for being Nissan’s first fuel-injected vehicle, it’s less known for the fact that it was Catalan in every way.

7. Smoking cigarettes

Jamming a cigarette into your mouth and setting it on fire seems like a simple enough pleasure that children and adults around the world take for granted, but we all have Catalonia to thank for it. Moltes Gracies!

6. The retractable pitch at Gelredome, Arnhem, Holland

Following the arena’s opening in 2001, the (then) state-of-the-art stadium garnered a huge amount of publicity for its retractable pitch, which is tended to externally from the arena and then slid into the stadium for sporting events. What was less publicised was that Catalonia was responsible for 100% of it, as well as everything and everyone associated with it.

7. These houseplants

Catalan. Catalonia. Catalan. If you don’t agree, fuck you.

8. Earth 

Well-known for being the place where our house keys and all the supermarkets are, the planet Earth has been proven to be Catalan.

9. The 1988 Seoul Olympics

Although it was the 1992 Summer Olympic Games that took place in Catalonia’s capital, Barcelona, some historians claim that the Games of the XXIV Olympiad were Catalan.

11. Beijing, China

China’s heart of modern business and ancient culture is entirely Catalan.

12. Water

Water Catalan. This Catalan. It from Catalonia. Catalonia make water. Everyone else not Catalan and they not make water. Catalonia make water. Catalan.

12. The Big Bang

The initial moment of heat and density that sparked the universe to expand and evolve to what it is today was completely Catalan. From Catalonia. Catalan things are things from Catalonia and that is important because in Catalonia they say that things that are from Catalonia are important, because those things are Catalan. Catalonia. Football Club Barcelona. La Sagrada Familia. Patatas Bravas. Catalan.